The Deal Maker or the Deal Breaker- A sure fire way to connect with your children!

Just today, I felt complimented for the nth time when someone pointed out that my daughter shared a striking resemblance to me. Without doubt, it felt “right”. Well, after all, she was my daughter  ….…. or was she?
 

Let’s back up here for a second. 
When I was young, I would start my mornings with my eyes shut tight, my hands outstretched and my heart eagerly waiting for my mother’s gentle hands enveloping me. My daughter does the same, but it is the glass of milk she looks forward to, not the mother!

When I was young, my goodbye’s before school consisted of a hug to each family member, and a teeth cracking kiss to my mother. My daughter doesn’t spare me a cursory glance but has to holler “Have a nice day” to the whole colony!

When I was young, I would share my sorrows with my mother in ISO-50000 style and a snuggle with her at night used to absolve all my heartaches. My daughter is 5 and she needs her space J

When I was young, my masti time consisted of pillow fights and tickle fights, almost as if I couldn’t get enough. Sure, my daughter loves pillow fights, but she can’t go to bed without her usual round of melodious songs and whispered stories!

And as if this wasn’t enough for me to rack my brains, a brand new entry in the house threw the whole dynamics out of focus. While one daughter was a good girl and hugged me at appropriate times (when I requested her to!), the second one did it spontaneously, lovingly, with a bit of need in it.

So, what was really happening? Did the elder one have any past life grudges coming to life? Why couldn’t she feel like holding hands, just like that? And why did the younger one make me feel like I was on a leash; crying whenever I moved away from the 5 second perimeter?

It was as if we were speaking different languages. Experts suggest that we all have a personal style which dictates how we accept and express our love. For my hubby, it is the daily positive affirmations with the early morning cup of tea that validates the fact that his wife is not going to divorce him anytime soon. For me, it is the group hug in our family which reminds me of how loved I am. My friend’s skin glows like diamonds when her son draws a picture for her and my relationship with the neighbour’s dog has improved significantly since I have started howling back in return. We are almost friends!!

Seriously, we all have this crazy, mad and relentless urge to be loved, to be at the centre of certain someone‘s universe. Do you all still remember those glorious days when the whole class would clap for us? Or when the boss singles us out for a tete a tete in his office? We feel oh-so -wanted. And in that state of high, we are highly motivated and ready to churn out our productive best. Wouldn’t you want your child to be in that state of personal high most of the times? If yes, read on.

Epiphany no. 1: Every child has a primary language of love- a way in which he/she understands a parent’s love best.

Epiphany no. 2: Saying “I love you” or waking up to cook breakfast for your kiddo is your way of showing love. Not necessarily theirs. Children are behaviorally motivated. They respond to actions –what you do with them. So, to reach out to them, you need to love them on their own terms. Just that-they need to feel the love!!

Ask yourself: What % of your energies do you invest in making your child FEEL loved? Do you know that minor changes in your actions could make them feel even more loved?

Epiphany no.3: The child’s primary language of love will shine through generally after age 5.Even then, the child will always respond to all forms of unconditional love. However, a focused action plan towards expressing love for your children will yield outstanding results!

Epiphany no.4: Just as speaking a child’s love language can make him feel secure, withholding or rejecting the expression of love via his love language will affect the child much more deeply than in any other circumstances. Hence, use this piece of wisdom wisely, please.

Our homework for the week-If you wish to find out your child’s language of love, observe how they show their love to you. Do they call you at work, or do they love drawing with you? Do they look at you all wide-eyed when they want you to sing or do they prefer combing your hair?
Next week, we talk about how to connect with your children using their language of love!

And now, if you please, the dog awaits.

Love and Luck,
Shivangi

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